Embracing Change and Healing Through Grief of My Former Self

Picture having a funeral for yourself and then walking away to begin a new life. It might sound strange, but when you embrace Jesus, everything becomes new.

I remember sitting on my bed, crying out to God about how much I wanted to move beyond survival mode. For me, it was challenging to let go of control and lower my defenses. Given my background, it made sense, but it was exhausting and overwhelming. I've learned that God's voice aligns with the Bible, and during my time alone with Him, He guided me to scripture.

2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV) - Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!

Before all of this, the word "death" often came to my mind, and I would dismiss it and continue with my day. God knows our hearts, so He was aware I would turn to Him before I did. Relying on my own understanding, I had misguided thoughts and didn't allow the Holy Spirit to guide me.

"He was telling me I needed to let go of my old self, but I didn't truly understand until I experienced "Grieving."

5 stages of my grief!

Grief - deep sorrow and loss

1. Denial - I believed I already knew everything, so why did I need guidance? "I got this." "What that looked like was me denying being in the Bible because the truth hurts"

   
   

2. Anger - Why didn't anyone tell me about the importance of a relationship with God over what I was taught?

   "It was always religion over relationship"

   
   

3. Bargaining - God, if I'm new in Christ, can you fill these voids of sadness, loneliness, and provide what I need because this doesn't seem fair.

   "Letting go of control was very hard."

   
   

4. Depression - I felt deceived, deprived, unaccepted, unworthy, numb, and empty. I didn't want to talk to anyone and preferred to cry alone in the dark. My family checked on me, but sometimes I didn't respond, and when I did, I was often sitting in the dark.

   "I felt shame, weary, and misunderstood."

   
   

5. Acceptance - I realized I was never in control, and walking with Christ meant dying to myself daily.

   "I was intentional about getting to know why."

I spent months on an emotional roller coaster in my room, adjusting to being a new me. During this grieving process, I also gave up drinking, smoking, and sexual activities with the opposite gender. I surrendered everything, and over time, my relationship with Jesus improved, bringing peace and security to my life.

Matthew 5:4 (NIV) says "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

Knowing that I can turn to the Bible and find everything I need for peace and understanding makes life worthwhile because I'm not alone. We all experience "grief," but in our times, God will never leave us or forsake us. The beauty in all of this is that everything always works out for the good.